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chinua achebe
October 2008 
Things Fall Apart *
Posted on Mar 6th, 2008
by 
Amanda
Amanda
Sometime in this past week, my sister packed her kids, their things, herself and her things and left home. There was a restraining order issued against my brother-in-law and a brief tutorial by my mom to my sister on how to check e-mail from someone else's computer. Beyond that, all I know is that she left. I want my sister and my niece and nephew to be safe. And certainly I fear for them, now. But I did not know they were un-safe before. My sister and brother-in-law bicker. They speak to one another in ways that I would never tolerate. I suppose now, with hindsight, I can see the signs. But hindsight is always so knowledgeable, isn't it? So, now what? How do I explain to my children that things fall apart? Of course, we will recover. We, as a family, will grow stronger and more stable. My children will have no need to fear from their own parents. But still, it hurts........and I am not looking forward to telling my children this truth.
*Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart
*Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart
Access: Public
Wow… what a shock. Perhaps focusing on your sister's strength to bring safety back to her kids?
A big shock. I still haven't sat down with Gavyn. He's so sensitive and only 4, I don't want to scare him. But I think you are right. I will focus on my sister's strength and need to keep her family safe– including my brother-in-law. We have always been so open and telling with our kids on all subjects except the possibility of people hurting other people. I suppose now is the time to change that, to start that conversation……
So sorry to hear that Amanda, I am sure you will be a good support for your sister. Advise her to take some time to stand alone and regain balance, I have seen so many take the plunge again too soon = out of the frying pan and into the fire.
I was about to say “I doubt my sister would do that, she is so dedicated to her children.” But then I realized I know so little about my sister– and this whole episode is proof of that. I will act as a post to lean on while she regains her balance and hope that she listens to my heart, if not my words. Thank you for your kindness and love, Gael. You are a beacon.
My heart is with you, and your sister. I know how painful these situations can be - for everyone.
I would like to suggest that you tell your children very little, and mostly on a “need to know” basis. Then you can suppliment that with showing compassion/empathy with the difficulty of your sister's situation, all the while maintaining harmony and love in your own household. Even though sisters are “blood,” we can't “rescue” anyone other than ourselves, (even our children!) Also, you may want to consider that your sister *could* end up back with her spouse, and then it will be very difficult to protect your kids from the knowledge that their cousins could be in harm's way once again. In my opinion, it's good to be serene, nurturing and compassionate, and unattached at the same time, loving as many as possible.
I think you're an exceptional woman with great capacity for love and compassion. Thanks for sharing your life with us.
Thank you, Michele, your kind words brought tears to my eyes. I'm not feeling very loving and compassionate at the moment. Shouldn't a sister be the first to arrive at the scene of crisis, hackles raised, teeth bared? I have yet to contact my sister (beyond sending her my love and prayers) and I'm finding myself increasingly angry with a friend who is going through a similar situation. In the end, I guess I just don't understand how it all happened. And that feels too unattached. Perhaps that is best, though. I do have my own fires to tend……….
A question I sometimes ask myself – If there were fear under that anger, what do I think it might be fear of?
Wherever you are, feeling-wise, is where you are. If you can let go of the judgment to let it just be, it might flow on into something else. What would compassion for yourself look like right now?
Love you, lady.
Love you, too, Halal. Thank you.
You have had some wise advice, Amanda. I can't add much to it, but I do send you and your family my love. It's so hard when a family is broken because we always have such high expectations of our family being our safe harbor, our sanctuary, our “home.” Just have faith that there will be lessons learned for the better here, for many involved, and keep pouring out your love and healing light.